A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".

I feel bad for kids nowadays who can't get the toys on TV they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!

An apple a day is bull! Apples are dangerous. Just look at Adam and Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"

If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.

I'm about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.

I'm about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible.

I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!''

Jehovah's witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes.

Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.

The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It's about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.

My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should've died in 1781...

I suffer from CDO. It is the same as OCD but in aphabetical order the way it's supposed to be.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound.

12/21/12 The Mayan April Fools Day