I've got less than an hour before i have to be at work and I'm choking down anti depressants and tequila like its the only cure for the worst hangover ever. Not to say I have a hang over. Far from it. But I'm definitely not 100%. I pop two more advil and find some percocet and all i can think about is the constant nagging feeling that nothing is where it should be.
Over the course of time situations change and personality evolves. I can say with certainty that building character is pretty much what I get paid for nowadays, but when does it stop? When can I sit back and say all is good in the world. If its not concern for myself, its concern for someone or something else. I'm exhausted. mentally, physically and spiritually. i hate that I need to find that bottle of johnny Black to fake it through the weekend. In reality I don't need to but what else is left. I'm a hallow shell of everything i thought i could be. Slowly drained of every opportunity I've ever set in my sights.
Is it just my own thoughts that do this to me. I swear I try. I do look on the bright side. it always there. That light at the end of the tunnel constantly shines bright but never gets any closer. Perhaps I simply haven't figured out how to overcome the obstacles in my path. I might just need to have more patience.
Beyond the complaint there is an underlying fear that I will never get to where I feel I should be. I dont ask much. I want my life. i want my home and friends near me. I want to fly again. i want to teach. I want to not be haunted by my mistakes. No matter how many times I forget them some one always remembers them at the least opportune time.
Let me be. I've had enough.
